Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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