But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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