someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
