a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
she smelled like a LAN party
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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