Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
