You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
