so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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