Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
