Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
sarcasm needs its own font
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
