corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
