Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
If I die, sorry about rent.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
