I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
