a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
