end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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