I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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