I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
