I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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