Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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