I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
