There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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