Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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