Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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