Your face is a jimmy john
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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