Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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