I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
