you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
