fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
