I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
