i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
