he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
PANTIES FOUND
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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