is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You ruined the universe
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
