I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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