Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
