Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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