Can Purell be used as lube?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
