Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
