he thought i was a dude.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
he fucked my hip out of place.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Randomize
