im drinking this country out of the recession.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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