drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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