Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
