I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
