Everything about him screamed your future.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I am naked and annoyed.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
