I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
