Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
