I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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