the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
