you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
