I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
