Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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