I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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