Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
