The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
