He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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